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Nov 19

NHL All-Time Mustache Team

It’s that time of the year again…  That’s right, it’s November, the month where men proudly grow and flaunt their mustaches, all in the name of raising support and awareness for prostate and testicular cancer and overall men’s health.  It’s also that time of the year when you’re either beating ‘em off with a stick or sleeping on the couch (There is no in between when it comes to mustaches).

One of the great supporters of the Movember movement is hockey.  It’s fitting, really, considering that hockey is known for celebrating facial hair growth and some of the most polarizing mustaches in pop culture history were modeled by hockey players.

In order to celebrate and pay tribute to some of the greatest dusters in hockey history, I’ve developed a grading scale to properly evaluate candidates and crown the NHL All-Time Mustache Team.  Here’s how the grading system is broken down.  The team will consist of a traditional first-team all-star team format (one goalie, two defencemen, three forwards, and one coach).

Each player will be graded on a scale of 1 – 5 for each of the following categories:

  • Career Impact (Overall effectiveness as a hockey player)
  • Mustache Shape
  • Mustache Thickness
  • Beauty Factor (Based upon whispers of legendary feats)

 

So, without further ado, here are my selections for the NHL All-Time Mustache Team:

 

 

Left Wing – Wendel Clark

wendelclark3

There are a few no brainers when it comes to all-star teams, for the All-Time Mustache Team, Wendel Clark is one of them.  The Kelvington Crusher, the 1st overall pick in the 1985 NHL Entry Draft, put together a white-knuckle career filled with lazer snipes, teeth-jarring hits and epic fights with all the big-name heavies, all while rocking a classic handlebar mustache that screamed: “I’m going to beat up your tough guy, score the game-winner and then take your girlfriend home.”

 

Career Impact                         4.5

Mustache Shape                     4

Mustache Thickness               4

Beauty Factor                          5

 

 

Center – Derek Sanderson

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During the late ‘60s and early ‘70s, Derek Sanderson was the cat’s meow.  Not only was he a hard-nosed, two-way centerman for the Big Bad Bruins, but he was a legendary playboy and socialite.  We’re talking about a guy who was named one of the sexiest men in America by Cosmopolitan magazine and was once the highest paid athlete on the planet, despite not even being one of his own sport’s top athletes.  It is even rumoured that Yankee icon Derek Jeter was named after him (a rumor that Jeter denied).

 

Career Impact                         3

Mustache Shape                     5

Mustache Thickness               5

Beauty Factor                          5

 

 

 

Right Wing – Lanny McDonald

lanny-mcdonald

When you’re talking hockey and mustaches, one man stands proudly above all else, and that man is none other than legendary pushbroomer, Lanny McDonald.  He’s really the gold standard when it comes to hockey muzzies.  One of five hall-of-famers to make the team, McDonald’s career speaks for itself: a Stanley Cup, 500 goals, 1000 points, and a Canada Cup.  Off the ice, McDonald was a legendary practical joker and an all-around good guy; a real cowboy!

 

Career Impact                         5

Mustache Shape                     5

Mustache Thickness               5

Beauty Factor                          5

 

 

Defence – Larry Robinson

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Robinson is the second member of hockey’s Hall of Fame to be honoured on this team.  Throughout a sparkling career as a player, scout and coach, Robinson managed to have his name engraved on the Stanley Cup 9 times.  At 6 foot 4 and 225 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, “Big Bird”, was the perfect blend of skill and brawn. A ruggedly perfect salad and a well-kept soup strainer gave Robinson the perfect look for a mid-70s Montreal superstar.  Merci, Gros Oiseau!

 

Career Impact                         5

Mustache Shape                     4

Mustache Thickness               4

Beauty Factor                          5

 

 

Defence – Rod Langway

JNT1984

Former NCAA two-sport standout (Star QB and defenceman at UNH), Rod Langway, cracks this team for a multitude of cool reasons.  For one, he is the only NHL player ever to be born in the Republic of China.  Also, he didn’t even begin playing hockey until his freshman year in highschool.  Langway went on to a hall-of-fame career, winning the Stanley Cup and back to back Norris Trophies, as the NHL’s top defenceman.  “The Secretary of Defence” would also go on to an 11-year run as captain for the Washington Capitals through the 80s, rocking a lip blanket that would make a lion purr.

 

Career Impact                         5

Mustache Shape                     4

Mustache Thickness               4

Beauty Factor                          5

 

 

Goalie – Bernie Parent

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Hall-of-Famer Bernie Parent won a tight race against Rogie Vachon for something that was perfectly construed on a bumper sticker that became popular during the Broad Street Bullies back-to-back Stanley Cup run, “Only the Lord saves more than Bernie Parent.”  Sorry Rogie.  Parent dazzled in a career shortened by an unfortunate eye injury during his prime, winning a Memorial Cup, two Stanley Cups, two Vezina Trophies and two Conn Smythe Trophies.  He also appeared on the cover of TIME magazine, putting his stunning tickler on display for the entire world to enjoy.

 

Career Impact                         5

Mustache Shape                     4

Mustache Thickness               5

Beauty Factor                          4

 

 

Coach – Pat Burns

SDR_Pat-Burns

The late, great Pat Burns is the runaway winner as coach of this team.  The guy was a cop for 16 years for crying out loud!  Aside from an amazing ascension through hockey’s grueling ranks to become Stanley Cup Champion, Burns’ most spectacular accomplishment might have been his signature cop stache.  Always a man to be respected, Burns was known as one of the best coaches in NHL history, a claim that was vindicated in 2014 when he was posthumously elected into hockey’s Hall of Fame.

Career Impact                         4

Mustache Shape                     5

Mustache Thickness               5

Beauty Factor                          5

 

Jamie McKinven
Author / Blogger at glassandout.com
Jamie McKinven, author of “So You Want Your Kid to Play Pro Hockey?” and “Tales from the Bus Leagues,” is a former professional hockey player who played in the NCAA, ECHL, CHL and Europe.

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